No Day But Today

Lately I've been in a weird funk. I used to be the kind of person to go out and find random ways to fill my time, I used to love watching movies and discovering great films that others may overlook. I used to feel inspired to write, to create new works of art through words and eventually translate them into film. 

All of that seems to have gotten lost somewhere along the way, and I am fed up with how I am at this point in time.

I've always stayed up until late hours of the night, rarely in bed before midnight. 

Midnight has turned into 2, 3, sometimes nearly 4 in the morning. When I wake up, it's not until 10 or later, at which point I feel like I've just wasted my entire day (Even though it's still morning.). 

Well today all of that changes. 

I'm sick of being sad, pathetic, lazy, and overweight. 

This week, in the midst of the weird funk, I've also felt inspired to change. 

Now I know I've written about changing my ways in the past. While I have tried in the past and I have tried to change several times, something has always gotten in the way. Busy schedules, lunch with old friends, long work days, and school have all played parts in losing my way in the past, but all of that is over now. I'm tired of excuses, I'm tired of feeling like crap, and I'm ready to be healthy and fit. 

When I was young I was very active. I played sports, I rode my bike or walked everywhere, I played games with friends outdoors. When I see the old picture of me as a child, standing shirtless flexing my 'muscles' with my abs and flat stomach, I realize that I can have that body again if I really set my mind to it and I actually try. So today is the day that everything changes, and I start on my way to a better, healthier, more attractive, and happier self. 

Recently I've been thinking a lot about life in general and how lucky we are as human beings to be able to experience life. Recently, my great-uncle passed away, and it really got me thinking. My family has a history of Diabetes as well as Cancer, which has now taken the lives of my Grandfather and Uncle. This alone made me realize one very important thing: If there is a chance of me having to someday fight cancer and/or diabetes, then why the hell would I choose to add obesity into the mixture?

Life throws more than enough obstacles into our lives, so why in the world would I choose to add obesity and being unhealthy into all of that?? Well, quite frankly, I don't want to. So I'm choosing to change for me. I'm choosing to change for my family, and for my friends. I'm choosing to change so that I can start to experience all the great things in this world without my weight being an obstacle. 

I want to be able to wear the clothes that I want to wear, I want to be able to go swimming with my friends and not feel so self conscious that I simply sit on the sidelines and watch. I want to have confidence in myself to start dating again, and to not feel so self-conscious that I feel like people are looking at me and judging me because of my weight. I don't want to be "The pretty voice" at karaoke, I want to be a triple threat.

SO: My goal for the next month or so is to crank out the diet/exercise, and lose as close to 30 lbs as I possibly can. RENT auditions are at the end of June, and I want to look my absolute best for them :) 

*****

We live in an amazing world, and I'm ready to start living in it. 

Sweet Dreams Are Made of These

Usually, the new year comes with a feeling of a new beginning; a fresh start.
This year, that just doesn't seem to be the feeling I have.

To be honest, I'm so lost. I've been lost for a really long time.
School is basically screwing me over again.
My weight loss goals have basically plateaued, again (Although, this one I am determined to change.)
My best friend left town again.


I've been doing so well as far as being optimistic, and looking to the future with a smile on my face. I've been so much more confident in myself than ever before, but I can't help but feel like I have just hit a brick wall. Head on, full force, just stuck in a rut.

It was not my intention to sound whiny, or pessimistic, or anything of that nature. In fact, I am feeling quite the opposite. I'm feeling hopeful, grateful, excited to see what the year has to offer, but I just wish I could see at least a teeny, tiny glimpse of what lies ahead for me.

I could really use a good friend. A shoulder to lean on. Someone to help me keep my chin up and a smile on my face.
I have a few friends who I consider good friends. We hang out a lot, have a few drinks, sing our hearts out, but I really just want someone I can talk to. Someone I can trust with everything.

I just really need a friend right now.

Change is coming, can you feel it?

As of Tuesday, about a day and a half away, I will finally be graced with the presence of internet in my own apartment.
HALLELU! I cannot wait!

So this blog post is just to inform you all of one thing.

I will be hitting blogger, tumblr, facebook, and spotify with a vengeance. Get ready. ;)

In other news, my diet is going to be revamping this week, and I'm going to be hitting the gym 5 to 7 times a week. BOOM!

Peace.Love.Happiness.

I Dreamed A Dream

I keep having dreams about a certain person. And when I wake up I feel really happy. For whatever reason I feel like I am constantly being drawn to this person. I don't always dream about people I know, but the past few times I have dreamed about people in my life, this person has always been there. Smiling, glowing, being perfect.
I don't know if I should read into it, but it's getting to the point where I even daydream about this person here and there. I can't help it. :)

It's time for change.

I know people have probably been thinking that I'm "All talk" when it comes to the changes I've been wanting to make for myself.
But to be honest. I've really been struggling a lot lately. I have nearly ZERO self esteem left, but somehow it becomes worse and worse each day.

I've been wanting to wake up early. Go to the gym. Be EARLY to each class. Basically eliminate as much stress as I possibly can, but I have been struggling with finding a reason to care. I have no motivation, and then I just feel worse and worse about myself.

As for my weight (the biggest change I've been wanting to make), I've been slowly progressing. I've lost seven pounds so far. And my goal is to lose about 115 more. Some people have told me, "I don't think you need to lose THAT much." but I do.
I really, really do. If I lost all of that, and managed to build muscle in the process, I would weigh about 160 lbs. You do the math.
At my worst I was 285 lbs. FIFTEEN lbs away from 300. I was disgusted with myself. Completely. Utterly. Disgusted. Mostly because I had no idea I weighed that much.
I'm so self conscious lately that it's gotten to the point where I just don't have an appetite anymore. Which honestly just makes it worse, because if I don't eat, it slows my metabolism down. Over the last week, I've been finding it extremely difficult to eat. Even the most nutritious, healthiest, most delicious foods don't seem appealing. Even now, as I'm sitting in Mocha, I'm barely able to choke down the coffee I ordered, just because I don't. want. the calories.

I have been doing my best to be as optimistic, courageous, and outgoing person as I can, but it's just kind of failing at this point.
All I can say is that by Spring Break, you all will hopefully be looking at a more attractive, happy, and outgoing person.
Here goes everything. :/

From Potato Chips To Carrot Sticks

I am feeling rather proud of myself today, but I should probably start at the beginning of the story before I get to that part. ;)

Last night, work left me in a bit of a crummy/sad mood. I honestly felt like I just wanted to go home and curl up and just hide from the world. However, being the college student that I am, I realized that I needed to go do homework. So, as soon as I closed up at work, I headed over to Mocha Madness, a local coffee shop, in order to take advantage of their internet capabilities. So I order my iced "Decadence" go to a table, and set up my laptop.

BATTERY LIFE REMAINING: 15% (Estimated 20 mins. remaining)


So, I reach for my bag to pull out my power cord.

No. Power. Cord. 

I became even more fed up/frustrated than I was before. So I decide that I'd just wake up early, get ready, and go to the SUB in the morning to submit my work for my class. (Here I am!)
So I get up, put everything back in my school bag, and go to leave, when I knock my coffee off the table, and it spills. Everywhere. So I frantically clean up the mess with napkins (I was going to get a rag from the employee but he wasn't anywhere to be seen.). Even more saddened and frustrated, I hurry out the door before I could manage to screw up anything else.

So I decided to do what always seems to put me in a better mood: I go grocery shopping. I know it seems weird, but I honestly like to shop for groceries from time to time. I'm always trying to find new and fun meals to attempt.

My first stop was Fred Meyer. I needed some random things like colored pencils for my makeup class, a sun-visor for my car, and deodorant, shampoo, etc. So I got everything I needed there, and headed over to WinCo (The place I despise to shop anytime before 9pm, because the lines are so ridiculous and it's way too small/crowded during the day). By the end of that shopping trip, I was so proud of myself, I wanted to take a picture of my cart. But of course, my phone was dead.

My shopping cart consisted of: grapes, strawberries, apples, carrots, and salad (Instead of Potato chips, fries, popcorn, etc). Raw chicken(none of that frozen garbage), seasonings, spices, and marinade (Instead of frozen pizzas, hot pockets, chicken strips, etc.). I had managed to avoid  ALL junk food, soda, and I didn't take a single step into the frozen foods section. Not. One.

For the first time in.... well, EVER, I had managed to purchase healthy food items. I ALSO decided recently that I'm going to cut out all fast food from my diet. Which brings me to my most proud moment of the night.

I avoided McDonald's on the way home. :)

Even though it was past 11, I was starving, and I was completely exhausted, I fought the urge to hit up the drive-thru and grab a quick bite to eat. At one of the most tempting moments, I was able to ignore it and just drive home with my healthy groceries, and just went to bed.
Even now, as I watch a girl struggling with her quarters in the soda machine, I can't help but notice that I simply don't want soda anymore. It just doesn't sound appealing. I'm perfectly happy with my bottled water, and it makes me feel good to think that I am making this change.

I'm going to write more on this lifestyle change later, but for now, I have to get going to class! If you're reading this, I hope you have a fantastic day. :)

Love Is Blind

So the other day while I was at work I overheard a conversation...
It was shocking from the start.
"If you could kill anyone in the world, who would it be?"
At first, my reaction was a bit of shock... But the answer was even more shocking. Here I was expecting to hear terrorists, rapists, or something along those lines.

Instead, the answer was
"Ellen Degeneres."

I was shocked, confused, horrified, etc. but it gets better. The other guys response to the answer:
"Well duh, 'cause she's gay."

I honestly could not believe what I was hearing. Here were two guys having a horrible conversation and targeting one of the most caring, talented, and  hilarious comedians of our generation, and for one reason: her sexual orientation.

So I felt I should speak out on this. Once upon a time I also had issues with people who were gay. Then one day a movie came along that impacted the way I think forever. RENT. I was so moved by the film that I went out and purchased everything that I could find that had to do with RENT.
Sheet music, books, posters, cast recordings, you name it, I have it. I was instantly changed forever, and now I have more LGBT friends than straight ones.
From the first time I saw, heard, and experienced Jonathan Larson's masterpiece, I came to realize one very important thing that I hope everyone else will eventually realize.

Love. Is. Blind.

It doesn't matter if you are a man, woman, young, or old, tall, skinny, short, or fat. I believe that anyone can fall in love with anyone else, regardless of gender. In fact the only reason 'homosexuality' even exists is because human beings are obsessed with labelling everything we come across. So over time we have created labels. Gay. Straight. Lesbian. Bisexual.
Why can't it just be called LOVE?