It's time for change.

I know people have probably been thinking that I'm "All talk" when it comes to the changes I've been wanting to make for myself.
But to be honest. I've really been struggling a lot lately. I have nearly ZERO self esteem left, but somehow it becomes worse and worse each day.

I've been wanting to wake up early. Go to the gym. Be EARLY to each class. Basically eliminate as much stress as I possibly can, but I have been struggling with finding a reason to care. I have no motivation, and then I just feel worse and worse about myself.

As for my weight (the biggest change I've been wanting to make), I've been slowly progressing. I've lost seven pounds so far. And my goal is to lose about 115 more. Some people have told me, "I don't think you need to lose THAT much." but I do.
I really, really do. If I lost all of that, and managed to build muscle in the process, I would weigh about 160 lbs. You do the math.
At my worst I was 285 lbs. FIFTEEN lbs away from 300. I was disgusted with myself. Completely. Utterly. Disgusted. Mostly because I had no idea I weighed that much.
I'm so self conscious lately that it's gotten to the point where I just don't have an appetite anymore. Which honestly just makes it worse, because if I don't eat, it slows my metabolism down. Over the last week, I've been finding it extremely difficult to eat. Even the most nutritious, healthiest, most delicious foods don't seem appealing. Even now, as I'm sitting in Mocha, I'm barely able to choke down the coffee I ordered, just because I don't. want. the calories.

I have been doing my best to be as optimistic, courageous, and outgoing person as I can, but it's just kind of failing at this point.
All I can say is that by Spring Break, you all will hopefully be looking at a more attractive, happy, and outgoing person.
Here goes everything. :/